As I Lay...

Beep…Beep…Beep


As I lay here in my hospital bed, listening to the steady beep of the machine that tells those around me that my heart is still beating; I contemplate the approaching end of my life.


Beep…Beep...


I wouldn't be so arrogant as to claim that I have been a perfect person, I have committed my share of sins. But, I would say that it has been a good life.


Beep…Beep…


I married a beautiful person, had wonderful children, and even got to see my grandchildren grow. I glance over at these loved ones, who are all sound asleep in the chairs of this hospital room. The warmth emanating from them brings me so much comfort. Yes, it has definitely been a good life.


Beep….Beep….


I think those beeps are getting slower. It's like listening to a grandfather clock's final ticks, before it stops forever. Death will soon be here to take me in his cold embrace.


Beep….Beep….


Someone has entered the room. I look over to see not a doctor, or a nurse, but a dark cloaked figure holding a scythe.


"It is time."


"I know."


Beep….Beep….


He walks toward me…


Beep…Beep…


He is beside the bed; I can feel him gaze at me from under his hood. He raises his scythe; the site of it brings me both fear, and relief.


Beep…


He brings the scythe down, I close my eyes.


I am ready.


Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

~ Dear You,

Dear you..

I`m sorry I was the problem. Sorry you couldnt be the solution.
I`m sorry I wasnt good enough. This is the best I can be, even without all this commotion.

I`m sorry my life isnt simple. That the best I can do is fake the same old smile.
I`m sorry I told you I loved you. I guess you didnt want my love, even for a little while.

I`m sorry things turned out the way they did. Sorry you had to lie about forever.
I`m sorry about the things I have said. For the words that I still hide.
I`m sorry for the anger I hold inside. That this was just one big emotional rollercoaster ride.

I`m sorry I cared so much about you. I guess I was stupid to ever think you felt the same.
I`m sorry I am so blind. That this was all a never ending game.
I`m sorry you thought I judged you. For all the forgotten acceptance I use to hold for you.

I`m sorry I dreamed up a world you couldnt handle. That I just wanted you to be happy too.
I`m sorry I am more then you bargained for. Sorry I ever thought you could just accept me.

I`m sorry most of all at the fact that I wrote this just for you. That again I fooled myself into believing you cared.

Sincerly Yours,

A Damaged Heart, One Last Burning Tear, And A Boy Wont Cant Ever Forgive.

Heaven **

Heaven is a hard concept for many to grasp. There are those who would think of heaven as a truly dull, boring place.

Who wants to live in the clouds, where all there is is singing and worship? Well, I can only assume heaven is nothing like our strange delusions- the classical idea of walking in an endless mass of clouds and blue.

And how could heaven possibly be ‘paradise’ if it is the same for everyone? If it is an eternity of clouds? Who would want that? I should think noone. I can only assume that heaven- being an eternal paradise- will be different for every person- that’s not to say we will all be separated- more likely everyone perceives it differently. Heaven will most likely reflect one’s soul and their interests.

Let me paint you a picture. Heaven- for me- would be a place of eternal night- not darkness- but a perfect midnight. Cool, crisp air- not too cold, and not too hot- just cool, mild. The sky would be an expanse of purples and blues- so clear that all the stars would be visible- a multitude of silver rivers running against the velvet sky- and a full moon to light the ground below. And rainbows? Who would need them when there are snakes of color slithering through the sky like the northern lights?

The soil at my bare feet would be soft- no weeds or thorns to pierce my flesh. The grass would be a rich green, accented by the darkness. There would be luminescent flowers of cool colors- and a clear blue lake surrounded by beautiful rock formations and weeping willows and cherry trees- always in bloom. And who could forget the music of the night? There would be the mild chirping of crickets- the occasional hoot of an owl- wolves singing their mournful melody. Yes, I can see there being animals in heaven- there were in the Garden of Eden, and that was practically heaven on earth.

What else? Ah, yes, there would be the solitude of it all- the ability to be on my own when need be- but ever present would be the ability to reach out to the many other souls- my family, those who I know not now, but will know and love then. And most importantly of all? God. God’s omnipresence- his protection and love constantly surrounding me- keeping me safe and comfortable.

Is that not a prettier picture than clouds? I would certainly think so. Heaven is not overrated- it is misinterpreted- underrated. It is there for those who would reach out for it- for those who seek it.

A Girl named SORROW..

<sup>Give me your hand, said Love
and I will take it all away,
I will give you joy for ashes,
a heart of beautiful array

So Sorrow looked upon him
her heart filled with death
Can Love possibly heal me?
she murmured in a whispering breath

Pain had always been her friend
Darkness is what she knows
Alone, who could ever want her
Her friend, Lonely, had told her so

But Love was so inviting
His warmth pulling her fro
I will love you as you are
To you my heart I want to show

So Sorrow stretched out to him
Hand-in-hand with Love
Take me from this place, she said
Beyond the clouds above

So Love finally embraced her
His beloved, that was she
Your name is no longer Sorrow, he said
It's Loved. You're loved by me</sup>

Sunset Angel

You are one of the princesses of time,

A longing spirit that waits for the world,
and no one knows when you were created,

or where you came from before.

All I know is that I have seen you many times, and you showed up one day at this battered door.
You used to comfort me, when the dark crept up, and the world was caught between the battle lines of heaven.
You have been there through cloudless days, and storm filled heart aches, clashing through murderous nights,

But you disappear on me when I turn on the lights, where do you go when you are not in my mind? What would I do without you?
without you around?

Smiling my happiness when I have none, pouring out orange frowns, What will I do if I finally meet you windowless soul? What was I like before I saw the twilight rose in your eyes?

Did I leave my innocence with you? or was it taken from me days before? Because now I don't know what else to do but stand here.

So I stand here helpless and alone,
lost in a triptych,
Lost because I never knew you and I don't know me.

Death...Life

Only desiring one embrace:

Death

Only feel one desire:

Death

Only embrace one hope:

Death

So close and it calls, being a whisper away:

Death

breaking down to the point, where the one friend left is:

Death

Being so tired
fading into tiredness
all that can be felt is death
all that can be desired is death

no lover to warm away death's chill
instead the kiss to grace my lips will be chill

no passion to get blood red and hot
rather it's deaths veins of blue embalming

only death is there for me

some day i will kiss death
some day i will embrace death
some day i will give up and ...

I am so tired
then it happens
the contradiction
the ironic truth
hitting one extreme
to discover the other side

to dance a last dance
to embrace the ending

all require energy and life
I am too tired even for that
death can go elsewhere
it isn't time

maybe tommorow after sleeping
but then again the tireness
will have moved on with the dawn
so death will have to wait

one day i will joyfully
embrace my last companion
that date is in the future
living is in the here and now
and that is life everlasting
death's hold is never in the here and now
rather its always merely an event of
the future or past

ironic to find immortality within death itself
the secret, the truth, the path of immortality
is simply to live in the moment

the secret of children
when we feel we can never die
thats the difference of being an adult and a child
all simply being within the moment and not outside
the moment is eternity
the moment is life ever lasting
within the moment a smile can be found
to warm the blood back to pounding

At times a calling

Life

embrace the moments to find

Life

starting this moment
within this single poem

LIFE

...Dreams...

I walked along an empty road, but I was not alone. I could feel so many lives; each heartbeat, each breath and thought, from far beyond the parallel lines between which I traveled. The earthen road was lined with ferns, ancient things that had seen millennia more than I, and they were still and quiet. I wondered how it was that they lived, because there was no Sun in sight, nor was there a moon, nor stars. The universe was empty all around, but so teeming with life.
Someone walked ahead the whole way, and we never shared a word.
The mirror broke. I don’t know how, or why—it fell to dust in my palms, just suddenly. I was not sad, though. I let it all fall down to my feet, and it continued to fall, and fall, forever.
From the dust, galaxies gathered, reaching out their spiral arms and breathing anew. As they gathered strength, the light grew within them. It grew from the inside outward, attracting planets like moths to flame. I watched it all begin from dust.

I lived within an endless sea, and I was content. I spent my days and nights floating, aware of nothing, and always moving onward. I never once looked back. There was no time for that, with so short a life as mine. I had no body, no shape at all, but I saw the world. It was a good life.

He said that I couldn’t save them. I told him that he was right.
He still told me how I could. It was too late by that time, though, and I told him that as well. It’s usually too late, by the time that we find the solution to our problem. I don’t even know what the problem was, but I know that it was beyond even me.
I could have saved them, but I never would.

It was my best work yet. I couldn’t see it, but I knew that it was. I was the only one who thought so. No matter how many times I heard that there was nothing there, I was happy.
You should appreciate what you can’t see, I told them. It is the most important part of life.

It was so tempting to transgress the boundaries around me. If I did, though, the world below would tilt out of focus and tumble from sight to implode with a soft whimper.
I was trapped like a mouse within four walls, without a door; I had only one escape through which I could try to climb, but at the risk of destroying so many other lives. Could I be selfish, for once?

I continued to stand still on a single point, for fear of losing my most precious burden.