~Broken Syllables~

Finding your lullaby.

2010-05-31T10:37:00.004+05:30

_{This is for you.
for all of you.

for those who are but are not.

for those who believe love is just a chemical reaction.

for those who are nothing but static on the mainstream radio.

for those who will never know forever.

for those who live in the highs and lows of the roller-coaster ocean breeze.

for those who hurt themselves because they're terrified of hurting anyone else.

for those whose cries have been drowned by the summer rain.

for those who have been mistaken for God.

for those who battle a thousand soldiers of themselves just to find who they really are.

for those who are nothing but natural disasters.

for those who sink somewhere between electric blue oceans and shimmering rainbows of ecstasy.

for those whose insanity makes poetry - and those whose poetry drives them insane.

for those who are weighed down by gravity.

for those who have found lithium in a heart that is caught in a chain reaction of passionate apathy.

for those who hide their skin and bones in chemistry classrooms and wait for the phone to ring their eulogy.

for those who think God is just another love song.

for those who are nothing but needle eyes and inkless words.

for those who open the windows when it's raining, just to hear the whole world cry.

for those who left and never returned.

for those who forgot it all on the ride home.

for those who write love on their arms day after day to remind themselves that they are not alone.

for those who love - and those who are loved.

for you.

stand up.
stand up against yourself.
and breathe.
breathe it all out.
because tonight,
no one has to bleed
to feel alive.}

~Sublime

2010-02-28T21:51:00.003+05:30

How do I know love?
Words sometimes used too soon
we waited for
I Love you.
Waking up with you next to me was
Perfect
I can't describe it.
Your eyes were closed and you were at peace.
Nothing could tear me away.
We made it through the night
Scared kids
hiding something so innocent and pure.
I know what I felt when
we became One.
A tear dropped once
A torment never before experienced
while Conflicting Feelings were soon
Vanquished.
Foreheads were kissed for reassurance
This is Right.
Hands held my head like pillows
protecting me.
Invisible eyes frightened us
You Triple checked the lock
and covered my mouth
Questions arose from my subconscious after slight laughter
I became intoxicated by your breath
Lips caressed
I was mesmerized
Understanding of this
lopsided meditation
is far from reach.
Now we lay exhausted
I curl around
placing my head
on your chest.
I Love You.
Through a small passage of that we spent together
we reached
Sublime.

The forgiving light

2010-02-28T21:41:00.003+05:30

Down on my knees,
I crawl toward the dark,
I turn my back on the light,
And slowly it fades out of my side,

The endless dark beckons to me,
Waiting with open arms,
Now i slowly climb onto my feet,
After an eternity of kneeling to the light,

I wish the feel the dark's embrace,
I turn my head to see what i was,
Everything i've ever known,
And i turn back to the darkness.

The lights fading,
My body almost consumed,
But the light whispers before it dies,
'Its never to late to return...."

I turn back,
My eyes hard and cold,
And i whisper,
"No......"

As I Lay...

2010-01-06T19:39:00.002+05:30

Beep…Beep…Beep

As I lay here in my hospital bed, listening to the steady beep of the machine that tells those around me that my heart is still beating; I contemplate the approaching end of my life.

Beep…Beep...

I wouldn't be so arrogant as to claim that I have been a perfect person, I have committed my share of sins. But, I would say that it has been a good life.

Beep…Beep…

I married a beautiful person, had wonderful children, and even got to see my grandchildren grow. I glance over at these loved ones, who are all sound asleep in the chairs of this hospital room. The warmth emanating from them brings me so much comfort. Yes, it has definitely been a good life.

Beep….Beep….

I think those beeps are getting slower. It's like listening to a grandfather clock's final ticks, before it stops forever. Death will soon be here to take me in his cold embrace.

Beep….Beep….

Someone has entered the room. I look over to see not a doctor, or a nurse, but a dark cloaked figure holding a scythe.

"It is time."

"I know."

Beep….Beep….

He walks toward me…

Beep…Beep…

He is beside the bed; I can feel him gaze at me from under his hood. He raises his scythe; the site of it brings me both fear, and relief.

Beep…

He brings the scythe down, I close my eyes.

I am ready.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

~ Dear You,

2010-01-06T19:08:00.002+05:30

Dear you..

I`m sorry I was the problem. Sorry you couldnt be the solution.
I`m sorry I wasnt good enough. This is the best I can be, even without all this commotion.

I`m sorry my life isnt simple. That the best I can do is fake the same old smile.
I`m sorry I told you I loved you. I guess you didnt want my love, even for a little while.

I`m sorry things turned out the way they did. Sorry you had to lie about forever.
I`m sorry about the things I have said. For the words that I still hide.
I`m sorry for the anger I hold inside. That this was just one big emotional rollercoaster ride.

I`m sorry I cared so much about you. I guess I was stupid to ever think you felt the same.
I`m sorry I am so blind. That this was all a never ending game.
I`m sorry you thought I judged you. For all the forgotten acceptance I use to hold for you.

I`m sorry I dreamed up a world you couldnt handle. That I just wanted you to be happy too.
I`m sorry I am more then you bargained for. Sorry I ever thought you could just accept me.

I`m sorry most of all at the fact that I wrote this just for you. That again I fooled myself into believing you cared.

Sincerly Yours,

A Damaged Heart, One Last Burning Tear, And A Boy Wont Cant Ever Forgive.

Heaven **

2010-01-06T18:55:00.005+05:30

Heaven is a hard concept for many to grasp. There are those who would think of heaven as a truly dull, boring place.

Who wants to live in the clouds, where all there is is singing and worship? Well, I can only assume heaven is nothing like our strange delusions- the classical idea of walking in an endless mass of clouds and blue.

And how could heaven possibly be ‘paradise’ if it is the same for everyone? If it is an eternity of clouds? Who would want that? I should think noone. I can only assume that heaven- being an eternal paradise- will be different for every person- that’s not to say we will all be separated- more likely everyone perceives it differently. Heaven will most likely reflect one’s soul and their interests.

Let me paint you a picture. Heaven- for me- would be a place of eternal night- not darkness- but a perfect midnight. Cool, crisp air- not too cold, and not too hot- just cool, mild. The sky would be an expanse of purples and blues- so clear that all the stars would be visible- a multitude of silver rivers running against the velvet sky- and a full moon to light the ground below. And rainbows? Who would need them when there are snakes of color slithering through the sky like the northern lights?

The soil at my bare feet would be soft- no weeds or thorns to pierce my flesh. The grass would be a rich green, accented by the darkness. There would be luminescent flowers of cool colors- and a clear blue lake surrounded by beautiful rock formations and weeping willows and cherry trees- always in bloom. And who could forget the music of the night? There would be the mild chirping of crickets- the occasional hoot of an owl- wolves singing their mournful melody. Yes, I can see there being animals in heaven- there were in the Garden of Eden, and that was practically heaven on earth.

What else? Ah, yes, there would be the solitude of it all- the ability to be on my own when need be- but ever present would be the ability to reach out to the many other souls- my family, those who I know not now, but will know and love then. And most importantly of all? God. God’s omnipresence- his protection and love constantly surrounding me- keeping me safe and comfortable.

Is that not a prettier picture than clouds? I would certainly think so. Heaven is not overrated- it is misinterpreted- underrated. It is there for those who would reach out for it- for those who seek it.

A Girl named SORROW..

2010-01-05T22:03:00.001+05:30

^{Give me your hand, said Love
and I will take it all away,
I will give you joy for ashes,
a heart of beautiful array

So Sorrow looked upon him
her heart filled with death
Can Love possibly heal me?
she murmured in a whispering breath

Pain had always been her friend
Darkness is what she knows
Alone, who could ever want her
Her friend, Lonely, had told her so

But Love was so inviting
His warmth pulling her fro
I will love you as you are
To you my heart I want to show

So Sorrow stretched out to him
Hand-in-hand with Love
Take me from this place, she said
Beyond the clouds above

So Love finally embraced her
His beloved, that was she
Your name is no longer Sorrow, he said
It's Loved. You're loved by me}

Sunset Angel

2010-01-05T21:56:00.002+05:30

You are one of the princesses of time,

A longing spirit that waits for the world,
and no one knows when you were created,

or where you came from before.

All I know is that I have seen you many times, and you showed up one day at this battered door.
You used to comfort me, when the dark crept up, and the world was caught between the battle lines of heaven.
You have been there through cloudless days, and storm filled heart aches, clashing through murderous nights,

But you disappear on me when I turn on the lights, where do you go when you are not in my mind? What would I do without you?
without you around?

Smiling my happiness when I have none, pouring out orange frowns, What will I do if I finally meet you windowless soul? What was I like before I saw the twilight rose in your eyes?

Did I leave my innocence with you? or was it taken from me days before? Because now I don't know what else to do but stand here.

So I stand here helpless and alone,
lost in a triptych,
Lost because I never knew you and I don't know me.

Death...Life

2009-08-27T19:01:00.000+05:30

Only desiring one embrace:

Death

Only feel one desire:

Death

Only embrace one hope:

Death

So close and it calls, being a whisper away:

Death

breaking down to the point, where the one friend left is:

Death

Being so tired
fading into tiredness
all that can be felt is death
all that can be desired is death

no lover to warm away death's chill
instead the kiss to grace my lips will be chill

no passion to get blood red and hot
rather it's deaths veins of blue embalming

only death is there for me

some day i will kiss death
some day i will embrace death
some day i will give up and ...

I am so tired
then it happens
the contradiction
the ironic truth
hitting one extreme
to discover the other side

to dance a last dance
to embrace the ending

all require energy and life
I am too tired even for that
death can go elsewhere
it isn't time

maybe tommorow after sleeping
but then again the tireness
will have moved on with the dawn
so death will have to wait

one day i will joyfully
embrace my last companion
that date is in the future
living is in the here and now
and that is life everlasting
death's hold is never in the here and now
rather its always merely an event of
the future or past

ironic to find immortality within death itself
the secret, the truth, the path of immortality
is simply to live in the moment

the secret of children
when we feel we can never die
thats the difference of being an adult and a child
all simply being within the moment and not outside
the moment is eternity
the moment is life ever lasting
within the moment a smile can be found
to warm the blood back to pounding

At times a calling

Life

embrace the moments to find

Life

starting this moment
within this single poem

LIFE

...Dreams...

2009-08-08T02:25:00.002+05:30

I walked along an empty road, but I was not alone. I could feel so many lives; each heartbeat, each breath and thought, from far beyond the parallel lines between which I traveled. The earthen road was lined with ferns, ancient things that had seen millennia more than I, and they were still and quiet. I wondered how it was that they lived, because there was no Sun in sight, nor was there a moon, nor stars. The universe was empty all around, but so teeming with life.
Someone walked ahead the whole way, and we never shared a word.
The mirror broke. I don’t know how, or why—it fell to dust in my palms, just suddenly. I was not sad, though. I let it all fall down to my feet, and it continued to fall, and fall, forever.
From the dust, galaxies gathered, reaching out their spiral arms and breathing anew. As they gathered strength, the light grew within them. It grew from the inside outward, attracting planets like moths to flame. I watched it all begin from dust.

I lived within an endless sea, and I was content. I spent my days and nights floating, aware of nothing, and always moving onward. I never once looked back. There was no time for that, with so short a life as mine. I had no body, no shape at all, but I saw the world. It was a good life.

He said that I couldn’t save them. I told him that he was right.
He still told me how I could. It was too late by that time, though, and I told him that as well. It’s usually too late, by the time that we find the solution to our problem. I don’t even know what the problem was, but I know that it was beyond even me.
I could have saved them, but I never would.

It was my best work yet. I couldn’t see it, but I knew that it was. I was the only one who thought so. No matter how many times I heard that there was nothing there, I was happy.
You should appreciate what you can’t see, I told them. It is the most important part of life.

It was so tempting to transgress the boundaries around me. If I did, though, the world below would tilt out of focus and tumble from sight to implode with a soft whimper.
I was trapped like a mouse within four walls, without a door; I had only one escape through which I could try to climb, but at the risk of destroying so many other lives. Could I be selfish, for once?

I continued to stand still on a single point, for fear of losing my most precious burden.

Shadows

2009-07-23T11:12:00.002+05:30

shadows…

Shadows hide me in their welcoming arms. They let me see what’s beyond; beyond of what is seen. We take long walks at most nights, through the hissing winds of winter.Sometimes I feel something waning inside, waning for those old days, when I was like others…how I longed to be like them…how merciless they were…my rage got beyond limits after all that time…

It was me who called the darkness and sent it onto them.It was me who watched them pray for salvation.

But I closed my eyes, closed my ears, closed my heart and let them fall.

...Goodbye

2009-07-18T18:47:00.001+05:30

I'm stading here, lost in the dark that permeates my numb veins, clouds my tired mind, soothes my heay, aching heart.

I see her,

talking with another,

looking happier than before, happier than when it was I she was laughing with.

I see her, turning her back on me, turning towards a larger group of people who love her. Maybe not more than I ever did.I see her, pointing at me accusing me, false accusations, hateful lies and hateful disguises. She's smiling now, happy seeing me... all alone again, lost, pushed away.

I see her, turning away with a little frown, cussing me out as she heads for her home, while I stand on the hot pavement, my feet cold. All because I got a date wrong.I see you laughing with all our friends, and I can't help but feel in deep awe and admiration, for everytime you show up, I want to grin and laugh, be just like you, be cheerful like you, to just be me.

But I can't.I see you smiling and laughing, and something cold seeps into my eyes and into the pit of my stomach. I grab my things and turn away before you can notice. You don't need me to hang on you.

You don't need my eyes to follow you wherever you go.

You don't need my hugs.

You don't need my help.

You don't need my support.

You don't need my presence to stand up tall.

You have so many others who are better.I'm nothing more than surplus baggage left to rot in some dark confindes at the airport. At least, that's how I feel. You may argue, but think about it- who makes everyone laugh and smile with little to no effort, and who sits and watches quietly from some isolated chair? Who has a beautiful grin and a happy voice, and who's quiet and emotional, a chicken and a wuss?

Who is so awesome they don't even realize how much it affects those in awe, and who stares blankly at the wall and hides from reailty in some book or song?I'm terrified of when you won't want me. Maybe you already do. I'm scared of being left alone whilst you stay knitted together through unique and punk ways. I'm cold at the thought of you turning away and growing up in so many differnt ways like the others while I'm degenerate and small, becoming nothing more than a broken CD on the side of the road.

But when It does occur,

I'll smile when you aren't looking, and even though my heart willl be breaking apart, unraveling at the seams, waterworks beginning to flow in great streams, I'll whisper as you walk into the sunshine.

"...goodbye... my friend..."

Storm

2009-07-15T17:13:00.001+05:30

A storm, metaphorically and real, both overhead,
and while the storm of wind and rain is headed my way, a storm of feelings and words run rampant in my mind.
Sometimes i wonder if one storm could stop the other, or if the storms would combine and block out all thought, all light.

Maybe one storm would light the sky, flashes of lightning playing on the edges of the world, captivating all who could see, the other one might blow away all those captivated, no longer left to be fascinated with such a deadly, beautiful storm as this. Both make my head scream, clear thought but a distant wisp of air, roaring thunder now above and within, surging electricity splitting air, striking thoughts.

But both storms I will have to endure, taking shelter in what small secure places and thoughts i know to be real, something i can feel, and touch.

But I often find myself in doubt, of what is real, of what can truly be trusted. My shelter's my secrete thoughts and feelings turning to but more storm clouds gathering. Light is gone, cold and emptiness fill my body and spirits, and I've run out of places to hide, now, I have to face the storm, and I won't back down,
I may loose, and I may not recover, but the sky will be sunny again, even if i loose all traces of myself,
the world will be bright again,
and the storms will be forever forced to hide from me.

Fear

2009-07-11T19:53:00.001+05:30

It's hard to see why people fear the night. The worst things happen, not in the shadows, but in the light. Because most people are arrogant, and selfish. Mainly because we distort our own fears, as well as other peoples. Some of the biggest fears, are the fears so widely abused.

I fear seeing planes, flying low in the sky. Seeing them physically makes me hurt, watching them take off and land and all parts in between. But during the nights, like tonight, I watched a plane cross the horizon. And I was happy. I enjoyed seeing it like I used to, when I was a kid. Because I knew that there would be no acts of terrorism.

Acts of terrorism are done in the face of the world, so that everyone will see that this is why. This is why the world is this way, and we hate it, so we are going to change it.
Those acts are not for themselves and there causes.

What ever it is that they support.

It is for the world. If it is big enough and bad enough, these people could end up with Barbara Walters, boosting what they did, instead of in a eight by twelve foot cell. Because maybe the punishment for some of the despicable things people do are not severe enough. Maybe the more horrible things that are done, the more publicized ones, should be more arduous.

Then with the punishments harder, only those with something mentally wrong with them would even subjugate themselves to theses penalties.

Please, anyone who reads this, don't think I'm saying don't change the world. I think that every person will change the world in some way great.

My goal in life is to inspire someone to save the world in there way. But the way in which they decide to change the world isn't exactly the best thing. That could be the exact opposite of what is needed. At the time these things could be perfect.

The Solution.

But then the Solution has repercussions. It could be that the Solution starts as and, at the core, stands for something great and good. But then temptation steps in and twists what should actually happen. So pretty much the whole point of this little spat, is that temptation is one evil son of a gun. Try to understand the core values of what you support.

That is the only way to actually save the world from what you are trying to save it from.

I was born...SCORPIO

2009-07-10T11:21:00.004+05:30

I was born to love.

I watched her walk to me, her long, slender frame swaying with each tiny step. Her radiant hair glowing in the rare moment of sunlight we'd been granted. Her smile wide and inviting as she opened her arms to me. I took that invitation, and stepped forward, meeting her enthusiasm with my own. She leaned down, and I stretched up, as we met lips, briefly. I knew that she'd always be my girl, even when she was someone else's. Our love was like no other, and would always transcend normal boundaries.

Because when I love, it's with a passion. They become my friends and my family, and a part of myself. Someone that I want to help, to protect, to help guide and strengthen. They receive my all.

I was born to rage.

I watched as the lies poured from his mouth, like water from the well. Like honey. And my heart constricted, venom pouring through my veins, scorching me from the inside out. Poisoning me until my vision is blurred and my mind races with only one single thought: He's done. Action was the only thing that would satisfy this creature inside me. This creature that calls for blood and sacrifice. Pain and mourning. This creature that claws through my ribcage, trying to escape this meager person that it has been placed inside.

I know my beast will never calm, nor can I control it, but I can try and maintain it. If I chose.

Which way do you want to cross me?

Please choose carefully, because my heart is fragile and my beast is unforgiving.

I was born to create.

That feeling pulled inside of me, stretching and begging to emerge. But in which form would it take? My fingers passed over these immobile squares, wondering if my need would form in words. Pulling the paint from it’s dust covered box, I opened one, smelling the sharp odor of ‘red’. The slick feeling between my fingers pained me. I missed these, but today was not their day. I ran from thought to thought, from writing, painting, scrap booking, sculpting, drawing, beading, photography, cooking and even organizing, trying to find my outlet for this inescapable need to create. To create something that will shake you your current state of mind. Something that will make you think, make you take a sharper breath, cause those gut wrenching rollercoaster feelings. To do something with my hands to express myself and who I am. Perhaps this is why I know myself so well.

I will create my life just the way I want it.

I was born to destroy.

I watched as his heart crumpled, and essentially I felt nothing. Nothing, except for excitement. I wanted to cause him pain, I wanted to watch while I crushed his hopes, his dreams, his heart. The sick glory that I derived from it. I told myself that it was just because I was glad to be single, but I know the truth. The way someone’s face falls when I make a cruel comment, no matter how true it may be. The way they stutter a slow response, their egos already curling into a fetal position and nursing it’s wounds. The way my heart speeds up when disaster is on the brink, especially such when I create it.

Even when I may regret it later, the sick truth, is that I enjoy it in that moment.

If I am not careful, I will destroy everything and everyone around me.

I will probably destroy myself.

If you were here...

2009-07-09T09:55:00.004+05:30

If you were here right now,
I would give you a hug and tell you my feelings.

If you were here right now,
I would love you till death... literally.

If you were here,
I would sit with you in the warm summer breeze,
even though it's December.

If you were here,
I would study your face;
memorize your voice,
your eyes,
your smile.

If you were here,
I would have more than just a fragment of hope,
something tangible to hold onto.

If you were here,
I would tell you who I really am and know that you would stay.

If you were here,
I could stay in your arms,
and nothing would ever hurt me again.

If you were here,
you could sew my heart together again,
putting the pieces in the proper places.

If you were here,
you could make me feel alive,
and I wouldn't have to pretend;
feeling as if I am ceasing to exist.

If you were here,
you could make all the pain go away,
the screaming and the bleeding;
I know you could.

If you were here,
you could love me, too.

But...
you're not...

...City Lights

2009-07-06T11:03:00.001+05:30

The sky was a brilliant shade of blue, as if a blanket of shadows had wrapped the city. Yet, the yellow lights devoured the starlight, leaving only faint traces of moonshine on the graffiti alleyways. Tall buildings stretched like steel spires into the sky, as if wishing to touch the clouds themselves. Cars rumbled along the streets, each embarking on an unending journey. The city’s heart was alive, throbbing melody of car-horns and voices, never sleeping. Beating, beating, beating.

He looked out over the ledge, and he was a giant, the world seemingly at his glorious fingertips. He took in a sharp breath of the polluted air. How long had he been here? An hour? Two? Too long. The wind tousled his golden hair, a caress, but his face was stony. A crowd, lathered in confusion and panic, had formed around him now, friends with wild eyes calling his name repeatedly. Their voices fell on deaf ears.
“Please,” one called, shaking his head as if emerging from a nightmare, only to find he was awake the whole time. “Please, please come back.”

Another crowd had accumulated beneath him, waving their arms excitedly, signaling their unseen friends. Their whispers carried like doves, like pigeons, on the wind: “Will he jump?” “Oh, God, no!” “Someone help that crazy man!”

The police were here now. They split the horrified crowd, rooted to the spot by their fear, their curiosity. They pushed to the front, their gruff voices carrying over the din of the electric confusion.

Their words were empty, leaden, and dripping with the fact that even they were fearful. “Step back from the ledge, man. You have so much to live for, step back.” The jumper did not move, their reasoning was futile, their words pointless. His stony eyes outlined the form of the streets below. He wondered where they would carry him…

A cry of confusion rose from the center of the crowd as someone pushed forward, fighting against the masses, slipping through the hold of the police, who recoiled at the defiance. She sprinted like a madwoman towards the man, her eyes wild. She threw herself at him, locking her arms around his waist, pressing her face into the grooves of his strong back. Her tears, angry, fearful and saddened stained his shirt, running down her porcelain face. His body stiffened at the contact—her delicate touch that he recognized. He hesitated, and a hush blanketed the crowd, the sound of her muffled choking filling the void around them.

His head bowed as a gentle breeze carried her sorrow through the night, around the oblivious city, twisting around the daunting buildings, whisking it through the tires of the cars, letting it cascade through the minds of the citizens, through the street lamps, the signs, rocketing it through the domain of the skies…

“…I won’t ever let you fall…”

A Evening of Romance

2009-07-03T18:50:00.003+05:30

The soft roar of a crackling fire illuminates the room draped,
in a mysterious afterglow that permeates the silence.

The softness of a blanket envelops the romance that purveys the night time
of our dreams.

The clink of glass as we toast our love to the night and the fire,
and bless our longevity.

The warmth of you in my arms as the night winds down is all I need tonight
and tomorrow to keep me around.

The love is forever part of us and you,
you will make me happy for
the days to come.

The night is gone as the light envelops the room, the fire has faded, but you are still here and

I will hold you still.

And it rained...

2009-07-03T12:10:00.001+05:30

The world stops for a moment it feels like it's just you and me. I can feel it wanting to rain as the two of us both stand there, quiet and still. Everything I had to say I said it, everything you had to hear, now you know. I hear the train pull into the station and the doors open wide. "Last call, stand clear of the doors." calls the conductor. I go to move but you don't stop me...I get on the train and it pulls away from the station. "Why?" I think. "Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you come after me? Don't you love me enough...to come after me?" I take my seat waiting for my stop, and when it comes I get off. Slowly and amlessly I walk home alone, and now it starts to rain. "I'm thankful for the rain." I think to myself. "Now no one can tell I've been crying."

Imperfection...

2009-07-02T17:20:00.001+05:30

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Is it someone you love, or is it the person you loathe the most? Why must you pick apart the one person who is always there for you? You push them away because you say they're a big imperfection. Man has focussed on this one ridiculous thought for way too many years, without a reasonable excuse as to why. You crave perfection and will do anything for it, but when you think about it... What do you really want? To be flawless, or even expertly crafted? Think hard about what you consider to be perfection 'cause you'll soon realize that nothing in existence can be "perfect" by definition. Nothing can be flawless, it is part of existing. So I don't know about you... So you can strive to be your imaginary dream self that can never be, but I'd prefer to be my flawed self and live. I like being real. It has it down sides, but trust me, the positives definitely out weigh the negative aspects.
Be real, LIVE.

Dear....

2009-07-02T16:54:00.001+05:30

I used to have your voice all tied up in my voice mail box, trapped and whirling around in it's four corner area. I loved that voice, that sent joy trip-toeing up my spine and forcing giggles out after my sobs. Sunshine after a drizzling rain with you, you know? But enough time has passed that my voice mail has deleted your messages and burried them under a bunch of other staticy voices that don't know me. I don't know them either.

I turn and look into my little looking glass and see a little me. She's got her hair slicked back into a pony tail, bright blue eyes unmasked by makeup, and a goofy braces-filled smile. And I can see you too, bigger in my eyes than I'd ever thought a person could be. You hold my hand in your best friendly way, and you smile. We scowl sometimes, but it always passes.

I guess you're right though. That's just a story now, and stories are just stories. I can't make your voice filter through my telephone anymore, but I can hear you in my head giving me advice and calling me on my lifes. I was more real with you than anybody in the world. So a piece of me is missing now, It's getting late, I guess. I've written three pointless paragraphs to tell you that I need you and I love you.

I don't know how to go back.

And now I am done.

I am sorry.

~ Lost ~

2009-07-01T09:46:00.001+05:30

The graffiti is gone.

This only oasis of colour in the bleak station has now been replaced with an off white splotch of some sort of unidentifiable substance.

People struggle to move in and out of the train before the pressurized doors wheeze close again. I step down; hoping for a comforting welcome but the only greeting is the babble of the crowd. The rushing traffic compels me forward.

I follow familiar streets. There’s the same jagged skyline, the same dented lamp posts. What happened to the city that used to be so full of possibility and vitality? Do you remember streaking through the parks and shopping malls, drinking up the air, the people, and the sounds? Those days are long gone, and the life blood of the city has run dry.

My wanderings take me to the old cinema. The footpath at the front of the cinema has an assorted variety of imprints in the concrete, like a little Chinese Theatre. On the day the first of those imprints came into being, we had defiled the wet concrete. Then, dashing away, we frantically searched for some way to rid ourselves of the layer of hardening muck on our hands. The paint is peeling off the building now, sadly neglected over the years.

I continue walking until I reach your apartment block. For a split second I can see you, calling down to me from the balcony. The sun is shining in my eyes, and when I refocus on the balcony you’ve disappeared. There’s someone else’s laundry hanging on the line. A small voice reminds me that you don’t live there anymore, and that it’s pointless to hang around any longer.

Visiting the places we used to go isn’t going to bring you back.

The day had begun with searing sunlight shining through my half window. Not cheering at all, considering my delirium induced sleep deprivation. Still, I would have preferred not to get up, enchanted by the idea of staying in a permanent state of unconsciousness, or at least remaining in my room. I wanted to just lie, safe, in bed for the entire day, watching the dust gather over the treasures you had left me over the time we had together. Leaving the confines of my room always seems a fatal mistake these days.

But time is a merciless task master, and relentlessly I was catapulted into action.

I struggled through work with a sickening ache in my chest. After enduring until lunch, I finally realised what was wrong with me. I had been suppressing any sign of mourning for your absence. A futile activity assuredly, as by suppressing my pain, I was now suffering a physical manifestation of it. My heart is not broken. Hearts don't break from misery, short of stress related cardio-myopathy. Sure if that nifty little organ in my chest starts to malfunction the only thing I can do is replace it with a new one. Or sacrifice a few foetuses for stem cells.

But hearts can bruise. And it could be years, decades, before my heart recovers from that kind of injury.

Instead of promising myself not to think of you, I went to the city. This was my second mistake. Since you’ve been gone, the city has become a barren and desolate hole. Sometimes there are hundreds of people pressed tightly together until it is impossible for me to move of my own accord, yet I still can’t help but feel alone, but maybe that’s my fault. Being raised here meant that at the best of times I distrusted people and at the worst of times I had an utter lack of faith in humanity.

There’s no trace of you left here, no matter how hard I’ve tried to find some kind of clue as to your current whereabouts. You always were two steps ahead of me, and I guess I never noticed just how far the distance was between us until now.

I had stupidly travelled here, looking for someone who I knew would never be able to find again. Still, I’m standing at your doorway. I can’t move on, neither do I want to.

I don’t want to forget you.

Before I have to decide whether I should flee this godforsaken situation I take one last look at the apartment block. The building is surrounded by a multitude of new imposing structures casting the ground below into shadow. The sunlight still shines brightly from behind the building, creating an aurora like effect. As expected of a mid-afternoon near the end of spring, the sun shows no sign of setting. I close my eyes against the light and my internal argument begins.

If I don’t move along with time, the world will leave me behind. If I stay here, then I will have no control left over where my feet will take me next. The choice is easy, really it is.

I make my way back to the train station. After finally passing through the turnstile, I am greeted with a welcome sight. The station wall has been freshly adorned with a contemporary artwork.

The spray paint isn’t even dry yet.

* A smoker's confession *

2009-07-01T09:26:00.001+05:30

“Hey man, gimme a light.”
“Sure…hey, who’s got the lighter?”
“I’ve got it. Here.”
Light up.
Take a drag
Exhale.
Repeat.

~~~~~~~~

I gave it up two years ago. Serious. I know that there are a lot of people who go cold turkey and then pick up the habit again in a week, but I’m not one of them. I really don’t need it.
Shit, of course I’ve heard the stories. You know, the shaking limbs, the hacking cough, the holes in the throat. Heard it all, seen it all before.
Well, of course it’s bad for me. Killing’s probably bad for everyone, but I don’t see anyone trying to abolish wars. It’s not a good point, especially since I know it’s bad for me, you screwball. If I didn’t think it was bad for me, I wouldn’t have quit two years ago, right? Oh come on. There are always special cases.
Why do I do it? Come on. Don’t you ever get tired of this life? Shit, you know about the pettiness that surrounds us, the monotony that makes up everyday life, the sad fact that everything worth having in this life is impossible to obtain without an inordinate amount of work. Don’t you get tired of it? Bullshit, I know you do. I do. My point is, that’s why I do it.
Look…it’s like this. As solid as I appear sometimes, I’m not made to deal with it all, all the damn time. Shut up, I’m not perfect. If I was perfect, you wouldn’t be hassling me about this. Anyway, let me go on. Sometimes I need an escape…yeah, I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true. I need to walk away from this life and spend some time outside it before I can come back in and immerse myself again.
I know it’s killing me. Look, didn’t I say I quit? I’m only having a few. That’s the whole point anyway. Every single time I breathe out, I’m dying a little bit, and that’s what I want. I die a little bit so I can get away from life. You don’t quite get it? Maybe. Sometimes I think that I don’t belong in this world. It takes me out of all of this for a short time. Yeah, I know. I exhale my life every time. Hey, I’m gonna die sooner or later.
What, that? Oh, that’s nothing. I used to go through one a day back before I quit. Probably irreparably damaged my lungs, but hey, no use in crying over spilled milk, right? Anyway. I had a few, don’t get on my case. Look, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

~~~~~~~~

Last drag of the night.
Watching the moonlight filter through the haze.

And I’m gone.

2009-06-30T21:42:00.003+05:30

You were subtle and caring,
And I loved you for it.
You pulled me up And showed me the light,

And I loved you for it.

You thought I was something
When the rest of the world Didn’t think at all,

And I loved you for it.

You took the silver piece
Before I put it to my head,
Not knowing you had saved me,
Not knowing you had given me hope,

And I loved you for it.

You were everything I ever needed,
And you stumbled upon me,
Right out of the blue,
And helped me in more ways than I could ever repay you for

And I loved you for it.

Sometimes I think I care,
Just a little too much.
Sometimes I think I dream,
Just because I know you’ll be in them,
Holding me in your arms.

Sometimes I think I hate,
Because I can never amount
To your perfection
And give you what you deserve.

Sometimes I think I cry,
Because I miss you,
But I know,
That I’m not good enough,

Not smart or pretty or strong enough.
Sometimes I think I love,
Because you showed me what it was,

You opened my heart,
You made it warm,
You threw away the shadows
And filtered out everything
I couldn’t stand.

And I loved you for it.

Run away...

2009-06-30T21:22:00.001+05:30

“Sometimes…sometimes I think you wish it could have been me in front of that car instead.”
Me in front of that car.
You wish it could have been me.

The echoes followed me.
Her words resounding, pulsing in my ears, the rhythm matching my footsteps.

No.
No.
Yes.

Of course not.
It couldn’t be.
Could it?
What would I have done without you everyday?
You’ve helped me though so much.
Would things have been any different if it wasn’t you?

No.
No.
Yes.

It wouldn’t have.
It couldn’t have.
It would.
Of course.

I loved her.
I wanted so much to be with her.
And she was gone.
And now you’re here.
And I want to love you.
But she’s going to stand in the way.
Always.

And as much as it pains me to admit it.
As much as I want to scream
And cry
And deny it.
…you were right.

No.
No.
...yes.

Like I dreamt....

2009-05-09T21:58:00.002+05:30

Dreams...
undiscovered and unexplored lands full of magic and fantasy,
sweet lullaby under the moon,

as we fly in the arms of winged creatures that protect us,
while wrapped into their wings they guide us through the sky,

there are no boundaries as we can touch the stars
and feel the soft clouds in our hands...

Illusion.....

2009-05-09T13:45:00.000+05:30

Consumed by light, the world becomes an illusion.

A fragment of a memory of what used to be… a dream.

The creator awaits his creation as Celestial s shift the days, as a continued cycle.

Beings among the lands come and fade away, trapped in their monotonous dreams.

Few, however, escape from the illusion… only to wake in an illusion of their own mind.

For many, this illusion leads to madness, for some freedom.

Which ever path one takes, one can change… for the better… or for the worst…

A Love Letter.....

2009-05-05T19:18:00.007+05:30

You,

I'm going to try the best I can to make this work....It would either sound like a poem or a story....not sure. But I do know that I really wanted to send this to you....I haven't even given it much thought but i'll do my best.
"Love is what became of me"What am I feeling? What has become of me?When I look at myself, I ponder at so much. Society, the world, feelings, and even my own emotions. Must I think of such? Does the answer come to me, or must I discover it myself? That is one meaning of my life...or many. I walk a path so unknown, not even I understand. Am I writing a story or my feelings? What am I really doing? What is it really about? A story that I have lived from the past till now or pouring out my emotions?
I will tell you soon...in time, this feeling I am having. My story is what connects it. It began, a time when I learned nothing. Nothing of society, nothing of feelings, nothing....not even myself. As time became a faster wheel, I searched. From every corner to understand what is real. As time went by ever so, I came across many people. They soon became friends.
I soon learned more. I soon became what was part of society. But I wanted to become more of that which is reality. Something that no human can understand. I wanted to be something special, something that can difine more about me. I wanted to prove my worth, my honor, my meaning, myself of that which difines me, and my life. A life that once meant something more but now has been treated by those who take it for granted.
Was I searching for something that never existed in the first place? Was it a lost cause? No! In spite of what this world has become, I search on believing in what I want to believe. Life is born in many forms. No person can understand everything in life. I choose to search my way of life. Many have came into that life, but failed to understand it, to accept it, to embrace it....to love it. Life is not about understanding everything about it. It is about understanding your own way of life and how you difine it.
Those who came to that life of which I live have left, have only took it for granted as they have of such many that treat it the same way as they treat reality. Most think my way is nothing but a dream. I believe that dream can turn into reality. Those who walk against it are those called a lost dream. A dream that was once so bright but was soon darkened by that person soon forgotten. Those are the nightmares that try to distroy our dreams from the inside.
Many have wanted to just abuse the life I live. The reason why is that they yern to have the life that was once lost to them. I soon learned many meanings of life itself. As time went by as ever, I soon found someone that searched for the same meaning. This person has such a kind heart. Caring even for those who have lost their dream. She is one of the very few who still stand believing in a dream and letting nothing stand in the way.
When she came into my life, a whole new meaning came in. I asked myself "What is this feeling? I cannot explain it...but it allows me to see something new. Something that has so many reasons to accept, understand, and embrace. Is this what love feels like?" I worried myself of the things I am not so perfect in. What if she didn't feel the same thing about me? Would it matter if I was different?
I told her everything about myself. More than I have ever told anyone in my life. Even the not so perfect ways of myself. In spite of things I am, she still showed a smile and liked who I am, what difines me, and what my life is like. She liked everything about me. I didn't know if she felt love or just feeling as what she always is. She was so kind, so gentle hearted, so caring and meant something more to me.
She shared that feeling and that life. She did not shun it or call it hard names. She embraced it for what it means to her as much as I have during my past life. She means so much that even I wondered... "Does she notice the same? Does she feel the same feeling I am having?" Her life came into mine. A dream that has become something more. She now has become the meaning of my happiness.
When I told her my true feelings, she felt speachless. She gave time and as that passed, we truely fell in love. I finally understood this feeling. She was that meaning of life. She was the missing thing that I was searching for. That one meaning I couldn't find nore understand before. She now became something more than a dream. She became a dream into a reality. She became more real to me than my own. She means so much to me more than anything I have ever known and understood in this life.
This woman is the meaning love, the meaning of ever lasting happiness, and the meaning of life that those do not notice and shun it forever. This woman of my life has a name that has a meaning to me and me only. It gives me the reason to live and love her and the life she embraces as I.
I love you . More than anything than any life that has come before me, more than any other meanings of life and what it difines. Your beauty is so bright. Your love is so warm. Your eyes have such a beautiful color. Your smile always brings a smile to my face. Your words are more wise and so beautiful than mine. Your heart is kind and gentle.
What I would give to be with you this very moment. So far apart we are, I still feel so very close to you more than anyone I have ever felt close to. You mean so much to me. I'll always love you forever. I love you with all my every being, my heart, my soul, and my life that I now understand.
I look at myself and see so many beautiful things in my life. What I have been through in my past till now is all answered to me. I stand here now, living for the one person that entered my life. That has shown me so much and has so much love for me. I will always keep that love with me forever, I will always embrace the love you have given me, and I will always love you forever .
You are the only one I will spend the rest of my life with. Your the reason and meaning of my life that I truely see. So when I look back at the same question I asked myself. "What am I feeling? What has become of me?" The answer is simple.....Love is what became of me.

~Me

Love the way YOU love ME.....

2009-05-05T18:51:00.002+05:30

I love the way I can talk to you And say what's on my mind I never have to look away Or keep a thing inside

Tears fill my eyes when you're not around
Or when you just don't care
But I know in my heart you will do what's right
For me, you will always dare

Material things will never matter
As long as I have you
You make every day that passes
So much easier to get through

My worries disappear when you're around
No thoughts of pain or doubt
I feel your love when you hold me close
And kiss me if I pout

I don't care what they are talking about
All I care for is you
I'll jump off a building to show you my love
If that's what I have to do

I love you for everything that you are
Not what you promise to be
I know you can't see why or how
You're the most important thing to me

A Suicide Note...

2009-05-05T18:34:00.004+05:30

Dear Mum and Dad,
First of all you need to know that this is not your fault,
It's mine, for I locked my problem inside me like a vault,
Problems that I was never able to tell you,
Problems that I'm sick of dealing with.
I'm through.

I'm sick of pretending that everything's alright,
I'm sick of having all these emotional demons to fight.
I can't take my depressing life anymore,
I realize I felt this way too often before.
I now know I'm not needed in this place,
Just another stupid teen, just another ugly face.
I can tell I'm secretly hated by everyone I know,
Though, when I'm around, they don't let their hatred show.

My life has no purpose as I can clearly see,
No one needs me and everyone hates meI hate this world I live in,
I hate how I feel now.
I try so hard to be accepted, but I don't know how.
I hate my reputation.. a fat loser.. a slut
So I'm ending my life, my wrists I will cut.
I want you two to know, that I really do love you,
But I hate my life too much, this is the only thing to do.
Suicide's the perfect escape for my problems to go away,
I don't think anyone will miss me, anyway.
Maybe, somewhere there's someone who loves me
But I couldn't find them soon enough so now I must flee.
Maybe, my life's not that bad, maybe this is all in my head.
But it's too late to tell me that, by the time you find thid I'll be dead.

I'm sorry it has to end this way,
I'm sorry if you cry,
But I think this world will be better off,
If I die..Goodbye.

PS:I'm sorry I had all this depression to hide,If you want to see me, you'll find my body outside.

Afterglow

2008-07-12T11:16:00.005+05:30

When music fades
Its whispering notes linger in the memory
As the sun sets
It tosses its dying rays into the sand and water
When stars fall
Their light streaks the sky for one second longer
Flowers fade away
But the sweet scent still drifts on the breeze
So day must turn to night
So summer turns to autumn
As the lullaby notes of the Lifesong Turn into those of a dirge
And the silver luster of platinum
Dims to dirty grey

Everything has an end
But nothing really wants to leave
Sometimes the afterglow of the memory
Is stronger than the original light

.......Pain

2008-07-06T11:54:00.004+05:30

If you looked into my life and see the pain that I've felt
You'd realize the words I'm speakin is pain in itself
You can see the whole picture while it's painting itself
And if you fail to see it clearly then I'm blaming myself Damn,
I have a tough time explaining myself It's like I don't even know me,

I'm a stranger to myself
And inside it eats me alive and dangers my health
But I just play what I'm dealt with and stay real to myself
I just keep the pain in the back of my brain, cause it helps
I just brush it off and laugh at the pain, cause it helps

Everyday trying to hide it is actually a strain in itself
With so much pain my strength practically gains on itself
I look back and wish the past would rearrange itself
Pain spread through my soul, it can't contain itself

But I'm strong now, and
I realize that I can change myself
And you must be fake if you can't relate to the pain that I felt..

Freedom

2008-06-25T19:55:00.001+05:30

To shut my eyes,
Never to open them again,
What a wonderful freedom from the burdens
That life hangs around my neck, Weighing me down with cares and woes, And feelings of despair and a lack of hope.

To shut my eyes,
To dream endlessly until the end of days, When it doesn't matter how I appear, How I talk or how I write,
And no one judges me on appearance only,
But looks beyond the shell into the depths of what I can offer.

Self-conscious and alone,
Too scared to speak out,
Too afraid to appear the fool and lose the good things in my life.
Too quiet to know,
Too cut off to be noticed.
Too tired to care.

To shut my eyes,
Never to open them again.

What a wonderful freedom.

ŧiмє is ηøw...

2008-06-24T10:26:00.000+05:30

Another wave has passed, and I'm still here
I suppose I'm supposed to be glad.
But I can't find a source of joy
Right now I'm just plain sad.

I want to cry my heart out
But my water bill must be in arrears,
Because no matter how deep my misery,
I can't seem to find any tears…

My spirit's flat, my soul wrung out
All joy in my life is long gone
I can vaguely remember laughing,
But right now my 'joy factor' is none.

For now my life will go on
Whatever it may lack
But I know, when I least expect it
The Darkness will come back.

Reflections [PART II]

2008-06-23T21:05:00.000+05:30

Sometimes
I sit and stare
I think and hope that life would be fair

Nobody
seems to get it
They just have no clue
That I can be a friend
that is really true.

Everybody
whispers All the laughs,
the jokes, nobody cares
The way they all make fun
of my frizzy mind,
If only life could be easy I wish that life could be fun I wish I didn't have to run and hide

Reflections

2008-06-23T20:13:00.001+05:30

Man must learn to walk alone.
Live in fellowship with all, but in the heart, know that you are alone. You belong to no one: no one belongs to you! Alone and empty-handed must you wend your way to the Alone!

---Jen Heaver

Iηŧrøducŧiøη

2008-06-23T19:55:00.000+05:30

ρєσρlє яєρlicαтє wiтн iмαgєร.

Iмαgєร σf σиєรєlf wнicн ρяєтєиdร тσ bє тяυє bυт fαkєร.Iт ρяєтєиdร тσ яєvєαl bυт iт cσиcєαlร.Iт รтяivєร тσ bєckσи bυт iт gяαdυαlly รυямizєร.αиd lαรтly iт тяiєร тσ livє bυт....รlσwly ρєяiรнєร.